Internet Hoaxes: My cousin Woodie
Internet Hoaxes: My cousin Woodie
By Tony Crowley
My cousin was overweight drop Woodie school in its first 40 years of living in a mobile home park in the United States. He never married and was often unemployed. It was an intelligent man, but a little crazy. In general, stood so few people in the park has been around. Of course, provided, however, to burst at dawn in the song he liked, not forming a word he did not know:
Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.
Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys playing the piano well, my beautiful Michelle.
Beatles fans who have found particularly troublesome. I know I would.
Woody liked to show his collection of exotic foreign magazines he had hidden in a box shoe in his den, where some of his appeal mA. He also held a composition commissioned a batch of model airplane glue and writing bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he emailed me regularly.? His main contact with the outside world, however, has been on the Internet where it is used pseudonyms suspicious and sent up or satire Internet forums.
In a forum parent of a worried parent reported that, to his horror, he found his daughter 13yr smoking. Among the members of useful suggestions and answers, you Trailertrash've found myself wondering if it was just spending time with the bikers or smoking around their children.
In a forum Medical Trousersnake pity those who suffer loss of libido, but describes in detail how the offending drug (Lyrica) was an effect completely opposite to him. It sounds like bragging.
A ship missionary to Africa was jailed pending Repair in Newcastle England. Concerned about sailing, the crew expressed their frustration through various blogs, the absence progress in the yard. T rinity Woodie said the good people on the ship will probably still the only form of employment in this city would never be right vacation. In these circumstances, to consider devoting his life to the conversion of premises. His proposal was not well received.
Visit a forum Sailing Captain Bligh RN, published a plan for self-direction, which looked very real, but it was absurd. Hundreds of members have the device, and curious, some said it worked. An unfortunate sailor was used in a Pacific crossing and has never heard of him.
In fact, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, Repentance remove the list of people who need help. Like most of us can Woodie expressed concern of the award, but it was not the billionaire said he was and did not require divine intervention in their choice of investments. Be generous, brothers and sisters, and find a place in their heart to forgive him.
If you're in one of your suggestions in order to avoid fines or infringements income tax, I suggest you ignore them. At that time, some were very promising, but all the gaps have been closed.
Childhood
Although he was scared and not his mother, Woody is very loyal. In fact, when she was transferred to the infirmary, visited the prison every month. He said that as a child at a talent contest and sings a sentimental tune that I heard on the radio:
M is for the million things she gave me
Or is she is aging
T is for the tears she shed save me
H is in his heart of pure gold
I is for eyes shine forever
R is just and right, it will always
Put them all together spell MOTHER
A word that means everything to me.
As the audience, judges and his mother, laughing, Woodie was the stage of confusion. Then trouble contain his amusement, a senior judge shouted:
Put all together they spell Mother.
A word that has no meaning for me!
The audience collapsed in convulsions and Woodie fled the scene in tears. This was the end of his brief career in show business. When her mother got Saying that, she laughed and said: "Little vermin should take a bow. Could have won. "
The brothers and sisters? Yes, two older sisters. Like children, I think they liked it, but had a funny way of showing it. They have to tell him he had a twin brother named Forrest. He was very excited and asked where was his twin brother. They offered to teach him. "Should I wear shoes?" He asked. "No," replied: "Come barefoot. "The continued until the end of the garden, where he showed great mound." Forrest is buried down there, "she said sadly, then ran laughing in pork. I think it affected him badly.
The world of education has not always been good for Woody. The first day the teacher told the children they would do a drawing of something they loved. He presented a paper and pencils and children with enthusiasm to the task. When they had finished, she said to put their names on their drawings and hand where I could mark them. Woodie, who had established a very good image of jade, his dog, waited anxiously for the teacher the different works of art. Then he showed them individually to the class and it is clear that the quality of the artwork while working gradually improved through the stack. By Finally, he reached the last image and you had to be Woody. "Now, look carefully, the children," she ordered. For the joy Woodie, called the outline of his Front syringe beloved class. Then, to his horror, that broke the image into several pieces. "This happens when you do not your name on your work. "
A few years ago, I asked if he had never seen his father and he told me he found only once. Her pa had appeared on a motorcycle outside the educational institution where Woody is being reformed and asked permission spend a few hours with your child. After a conference staff of emergency, permission was granted and, with precarious Woodie the back seat, they roared together in the desert. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy a common relative long lost son looked at his for a while and then offered words of wisdom. "Listen, kiddo said:" Whenever you get nervous, deep breaths to calm himself. It works always with me. Woody thanked him for fatherly advice, but thought I would have preferred a helmet. With autumn evening, rushed school. As the doors closed behind him, turned and looked at his father Woodie disappears into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. This was the last ever seen. Woodie asked him what his father looked like. "I do not know," he replied, "He never took his glasses.
Woodie has never been good at or comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that every honest girl would be hard pressed to find a romantic association with his son, Though they were not his exact words. He did, however, have a Brazilian person appointed Lidjaine. He was learning English at the time and, after an exchange of letters, he sent a lovely poem I writing.
A Lidjaine
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
With his long mane
identical and two eyes
I put my heart on fire.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I know it's not your fault
But one thing about you
It seems a little crazy.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I think it's a shame
If your parents do you call
On the other name.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
Oh please can you explain
How do you pronounce
His clumsiness Name Search?
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
He never said it was a shame because I got good grades in English. For years, held a photo of your fainting covered in his den at the letter from Prince Carlos (yes, lives in London, England). More on that later.
Woody was never married and is probably the best. There few years, we asked Santa Claus for Christmas staff at the farm wastewater, where he worked as an inspector of drains. With tattooed fingers, hair disheveled, children approached him with some trepidation to collect donations. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mother is out of jail? "For those who have dared to meet Mom was not in prison, he yelled" Good news! So they let him out in time for Christmas! "The next year, has hired a professional actor for this role.
Despite its failure as a young singer Woodie never abandoned his dream of becoming a famous composer. From time to time, sent me the lyrics of songs he had wrote and asked me to do a song for them. I got tired of him and kept sending the same melody, but I Woodie too busy writing new songs for review.
I suppose he must have written more than three hundred songs. The last thing I sent was called Try, try, try again. that seemed appropriate. He liked to write country music: Marriage is for tomorrow, but tonight the honeymoon!, She stole my heart, my hat and my horse, so he just sent you stayed here several well-known country singers, but its officials have ignored. Personally, I found rather disturbing. Is the refrain:
I see a man with my wife
I see a man in my life
I see a man with my daughter
If he had a shot to hell.
But I'll be here alone
I will be here on my own
I am here out of town
I'll be there – six feet below.
animal lovers do not appreciate the lyrics bring your dog to the right. Just a verse to see why:
Oh, I love my dog to pieces
To really heal sadness
But I need your ass every time I meet
His shoes stuck disorder.
Inventions. But there was a Woodie subject close, if not the heart to his brain. Some of its ideas ruined the faith, but may take one day. For example, developed an airbag for use with a motorcycle (too late to ride in the desert), and there was the car that could be driven from the back seat. Her other major contribution road safety is a sharp peak steel anchored in the center of a wheel and pointing to the heart of the pilot. Instead of lower risk was the chair Rocking on the side for use as a training tool for curing disease. Then there was the harmonica was played in a flurry of wind. Another project consisted of fireworks home. With a recipe for the explosives found on the Internet, a hat designed to fire rockets and showed the day of Halloween. Woodie Although he lost most of his hair, hat neighbors considered a resounding success. He accused the instructions confusion – some of which is in Arabic. I also remember cage crib that was something parents could use to protect their babies bed. If one or both parents in junior turned, the bars of the cage was strong enough to withstand the weight of two obese adults. As I already said, this is probably the best he did not father children.
The explosion has not been Woodie only time diced with danger. He stumbled on the castle or something forbidden, a forum celebrating the beauty of young models and actresses. The type of forum to post things as sad guys "OMG I love him and want to marry him one day! Woodie added comments like, "Well, I just want to come play with my music my lair. or "Hey, she's like my favorite niece, Jolene!. When I said that I hit the ceiling. Whom I told to abstain from these things. You never know who is on these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for guys who have a train and say what they say. Now that I think, I do not remember a niece named Jolene.
I mentioned a letter from Prince Charles. In fact, the letter was the personal assistant to the prince, but he had the right direction and all parameters. Apparently, some years ago, Prince Charles has had an accident. Maybe he was playing polo or involved in some game horse but he spent the night in a National Health Service hospital. It was a modest target of care to the wounded king-to-be, but was treated with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woody came up with the idea that was a public institution that provides basic medical care while for the poor, and some people in the United Kingdom would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed his sympathy for the injury and suggesting that he took all of Blue Cross health insurance. The return letter thanked his concern and assured him that the prince had completely recovered. Woody was very proud of this letter. As seen below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.
For someone who had probably never seen the sea, is very interested Woodie by ships and was delighted when I sent a photo of the SS romance, a rust bucket in which I worked. One day, took the picture of where he was crushed beneath his beloved Lidjaine and a scan has started to mess with Photoshop. Amended the mast, deployed funnel windows added a few extras, dressed as the name, then placed in an international forum for fans of the ship. Like Neptune, asked Forum members to help you identify and apply their knowledge and skills to this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of the ship has been the subject of much discussion and, according to experts, was the property differently Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia or Poland. One member was adamant that he could see a star of David in the funnel, while a Another member stressed that the model was caused by radio antenna. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. Asked to describe took the picture, Woodie said he had seen the mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by this news, experts engaged on another line of research, but one that does not lead to more arguments. When the subject had clocked up 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to anchor. He returned to his original post and replaced with the false reality. The arguments running in a few days and then someone new to be asked what the noise was. In his opinion, was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the romantic of the SS, the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some self-proclaimed experts were furious and asked immediate expulsion of Neptune. One member was injured particularly angry because he had paid a lab to work on image to reveal the name of the ship. After crossing the Australian desert to do so, his car broke down and went to work for a couple of days before being rescued.
After that, tried to educate the Woodie an urban myth in which the government has blocked publication of a report comparing the personalities of criminals and police. In a study of 16 characters, no significant differences between the two populations have been discovered. Can you imagine that anyone could believe such a thing? Trailerskunk As soon tired of asking sites where I could get some suppositories pot junkie, "I need a bullet in the form of preparation that I can place where the sun does not shine and the police will not. "Something to his irritation, he discovered that this type of product exists and has been strongly recommended, which took the wind from their sails. Later when IllegalAlien presented UFO sightings with the National Information Centre. "Driving north on I-440, I noticed in the night sky a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows and flashing lights on the ground. The helicopter landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to know that this event occurs about 150 times a day in Little Rock, but he began to lose interest. Then they entered his home computer and Nigerian scam artists have lived to regret it.
Like most people who use the Internet, Woodie has its fair share fraudulent e-mails, including appearing in the inbox and say things like:
Friend
It is in the heart of hope I am writing to ask for his help in the field below. Munga Genz I, the first son of the late MKO Munga, a philanthropist and political winner of the alleged June 12, 1993 elections, presidential, who died in the custody of President Gen. Inje Obanithe former soldiers of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you'll be amazed at how I got in contact, but it was after a careful search through my archives, I saw your contact deceased father, I do not doubt his willingness to help me get into your custody (for safety) the sum of U.S. $ 48.5 million (U.S. $ 48.5) wanted and filed on my behalf by my late father. ……… and so on.
There were several ways of dealing with these requests. One was to create an e-mail with the name of the sender. Thus in the example above, become in genzamunga@whatever.com scold Court of stealing his name and scam. He threatened to send the crowd heavy, "I know you lies." On other occasions, however, that would agree to collect dollars in cash or jewelry family personally and bring the rate of release $ 1,000 in cash.
A spin-off of these emails fraud was that the increase in their geographical knowledge of the world, without leaving much of the trailer. He became very knowledgeable about the African countries, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam in particular. Often taken the trouble to study the cost and schedule flight from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, he would expect a driver and car to meet him at the airport and the pilot had to withstand a large map with syringe word. Jet, of course, long since deceased. Woodie, but never forgot his real friends only. At its meeting of crooks, usually selected the event he describes as follows:
Jump to Navigation Amnesia Herengracht. Music is not well, but the coffee is good and the other clients will be too busy enjoying the smoke to warn us. I'll be a case empty violin can be thrown into a nearby canal, so we must go elsewhere to talk business. Go to the table next to the entrance the bathroom.
He said that sometimes he was able to arrange meetings with a number of different scam artists at the same time and was sitting in his trailer imagining all make their way through the smoke to sit at the same table at the entrance to the bathroom.
I knew he had engaged in this kind of nonsense, because he had begun inserting certain phrases in e-mail me has sent sentences gathered from his new friends, such as:
Thank you and God bless you please send my greetings your family.
What happens?
Anyway, my friend.
Then came the fateful day when the Queen came Woodie Shonekan cyberspace. It was the usual type of scam with the promise of 30% of nine million dollars deposited by her late father (president Acting first country) on the shores of South Africa. At first, he has played all the usual stuff of lost time and was celebrated for his spelling picturesque, for example, massage instead of the message. "O Queen, how I hope that the massage to come. "With the help of a schedule airway, he found a flight that sounded plausible: a SAA235 Johannesburg, September 06, arrives at 7:25 local time. He apologized for his arrival early – deliberately scheduled for mid-busiest hour peak in Africa. Somewhat to his surprise, he booked a Queen room Shonekan Hotel Camino Hotel near the airport and given a reservation number. Out of curiosity, checked and booking Woodie found that it is authentic. But, of course, he was still with me in his trailer when his driver and his assistant appeared at the airport to receive it. Shonekan Queen begins to panic:
I am writing to ask what is actually happening. Not come. I even sent a massage to you. Please reply to ease my mind. I'm waiting at the Road Lodge Hotel and I am very worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.
A massage after the message of forgiveness, reported Woodie driver and his assistant were arrested at the airport and was in serious trouble. That's when Woody started to feel guilty. His excuse for losing the flight was a lame, but the queen has been swallowed. Then post your ideas on how they could escape from the building and avoid being captured by police in South Africa. Finally, received the good news he had his suggestion to hide in a dumpster, then that means that had been transported for free to a point near the center industrial city. After that they started to exchange messages, and even the occasional photo. Without doubt, the queen was a beautiful woman Shonekan and photo soon replaced by Lidjaine on the wall of his den.
When Woody told me all this, he urged caution Shonekan queen could not be a true monarch of women. In fact, it could become a man six feet 180 pounds, who occasionally worked as a bodyguard when he did not sitting in an Internet cafe. But to no avail, he was hooked, and e-mails even stopped suddenly, spoke of something else, but Queen Africa. Even wrote to his mother and asked her to show him, but the response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared from the park house Mobile and nobody knew where he stood. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be with the Queen Shonekan, was not always an opportunity he had. It was a complete mystery.
So the months passed and there was not a word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., I happened to pass the mobile home park where he lived and entered an old man sitting on a bench in the sun, the trailer Woodie, now occupied by another family. I asked him if remembered my cousin. "Remember him? He replied:" I will never forget. Of course what the hell, this guy was wired to the moon. Most people here will be useful, but do not scare me. A year ago, has departed one night and never returned. There was a lady from Africa with him. Fine looking woman too. I do not know what was there, but it takes all kinds. "
We sat there sharing a beer and watch the people go to work in the park. "You're not the only person who was here looking for him," he said. I asked him what the visitor seemed to others. "There is a visitor," I replied, "A lot of them mad. Cars Police everywhere, special agents in the trees, hail aloud, weapons in hand. I was afraid of my mind! We had guys narcotics team, the IRS, the agency child protection, the immigration service. Anyway, they were there. In fact, before, they discovered he had left, they argued over who should be starting. Did you know that Woodie had a whole train? Then they searched trailer, some of them sitting outside and play with him. The other passed through a stack of magazines and spent a great time. I suppose There was something special hidden. The two guys from the IRS keeps sniffing some boxes. I never know what this guy has done, but are not legal.
As they left the trailer park this afternoon, I felt a warm glow inside. Cruise on the road, I broke into a song by Bob Dylan, who was a favorite of Woody's:
"The ants are my friends, is the wind
The ants are blowing in the wind. "
Woodie, if you read this, I wish you and your African Queen as well. Having a long and happy life together. No need to send me another e-mail. In fact, I'd be happy if you never touch another computer or surf the Internet again.
About the Author
Tony Crowley March 2009 see wiki
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